Better Off As...

It's all a game of this or that
Now verses then
Better off
Against worse for wear
And you're someone
Who knows someone who knows someone
I once knew
And I just want to be a part of this

The road outside my house
Is paved with good intentions
Hired a construction crew
Cuz it's hell on the engine
You are the dreamer
And we are the dream
I could write it better than you ever felt it

So hum hallelujah
Just off the key of reason
I thought I loved you
It was just how you looked in the light
A teenage vow in a parking lot
Til tonight do us part
I sing the blues
And swallow them too

My words are my faith
To hell with our good name
A remix up your guts
Your insides x-rayed
And one day we'll get nostalgic for disaster
We're a bull
Your ears are just a china shop

I love you in the same way
There's a chapel in a hospital
One foot in your bedroom
And one foot out the door
Sometimes we take chances
Sometimes we take pills
I could write it better than you ever felt it

So hum hallelujah
Just off the key of reason
I thought I loved you
It was just how you looked in the light
A teenage vow in a parking lot
Til tonight do us part
I sing the blues
And swallow them too

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hum Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hum Hallelujah
Hallelujah

A teenage vow in a parking lot
Til tonight do us part
I sing the blues
And swallow them too

So hum hallelujah
Just off the key of reason
I thought I loved you
It was just how you looked in the light
A teenage vow in a parking lot
Til tonight do us part
A teenage vow in a parking lot
Til tonight do us part
I sing the blues
And swallow them too

Another Brick In The Wall

TO DO LIST FOR 2007:
- Get more of that "self-esteem" everyone's always talking about
- Get over fear of rejection, too irrational for me
- Smile more often, frowning is just not "in"
- Stop attracting attention to myself, cause it's stupid
- Stop trying to be invisible, cause that's stupid too
- Spend less time on computer, even though I love MSN so much
- Spend more time getting to know people, cause it's fun
- Stop getting involved in too many things at the same time, like I am right now
- Try to spend at least 3 consecutive months not pining for a guy, Haha:P
- Accept compliments, even if I don't like them
- Accept critiques, even if I'm able to do that by myself
- Focus more on school work, and stop procrastinating
- Stop being so possessive of my stuff, even though it IS mine
- Be happy, if I'm not, I won't be able to achieve goals 3&4&5
- Stop being so melodramatic, it's not the end of the world
- Stay awesome :P, cause I am.
- Take things on a lighter note, not everything is life/death.


AYA!

Gahd, sometimes I wish I could start over with a clean slate, Haha. But I won't get to do that :P.

- Laters

Rollercoasters Are No Fun

Um...nevermind. Forget that last post.

Why is it that everytime I'm sad or angry and I write an entry to make me feel better, I always end up feeling horrible for posting it....?

Anywho,

Toodles!

Sorrow Is Just All The Rage

Is it that I can't take compliments or that I just don't want to hear a bunch of lies? Who knows really.

Content with the fact that I'll never be good enough for anything except being asked the same question eight hundred times in a row, deep down. It was meant to be that way.

How could anyone say there's nothing wrong with me when there so evidently is. I might never get the chance to win at this. I'll never have a heart for those who deserve it and always for the ones who don't. Is it by any chance that I care about too many people, or that I expect blindly believe that people feel the same for me? Out of the many people I know, not one could fade away without me noticing it. Any heart stops beating, it breaks mine. Any heart gets broken, it hurts mine. How is it then that when it happens to me, mine is the only one to be torn to pieces.

I think I just don't like the lies. It's completely dishonest to tell a girl she's beautiful when you don't mean it, when you know it's not true and when you know she's also aware of that fact. As it's not okay to tell a girl you love her if you don't feel that way. Why pretend you care when you don't? That's what really confuses me. Why would anyone pretend to love someone, pretend to care, pretend pretend and pretend more? Why would anyone make themselves unhappy by lying to someone and staying with them when they don't care about them? Why would someone stay with a person he or she doesn't love, like, care about at all when they could be with someone else? Someone they actually like. Why, when they *know* they've got some other person waiting for them [on the side]? Is it just for the fun of seeing that person's face when they realise that it was a lie? That everything that was said was a lie...

I always put myself in lose-lose situations. Last time, was going out with this guy. Now here's the lose-lose situation --> Either it doesn't last and I get hurt [OR] It lasts, I have to move, long-distance relationships don't work so it ends, and I get hurt. There is no way to win this game. I've just entered another one of those zones. The "about-this-close-\-\-to-getting-hurt" zone. I *think* [I've been doubting myself ever since that last lose-lose situation...Not sure how I feel about anyone anymore :)] I like this guy, older than me [:)] to whom I just recently started really talking. And he...probably likes another girl. The sad part about it is that I understand why someone'd want to pick her over me. She's thin. She's pretty. Easygoing and funny at times. I'm not. The only thing I ever had going for me was the smart thing. Unfortunately, I'm 17, and no one gives [a shit] if you're smart when you're 17.

Which brings me to my point. There's gotta be something wrong with the person I am. The boyfriend I was going to break up with because he was [supposedly] talking about me behind my back [I believe it, but I'll never really know if it really happened or not] dumped me for apparently no reason. Turned out it was for another girl. And because he never even liked me. Every single guy I've ever had feelings for hasn't liked me back [including the boyfriend aforementioned---> Funny, it doesn't *feel* like he was ever my boyfriend]. This guy I used to like, who I considered my friend, basically hates me. Or he just doesn't care, which is worse. People in my class say he's really nice nowadays. He's nice to them at least, which is funny. He's being nice to all the people who talked about him behind his back. I didn't. But he doesn't talk to me. It's............sad, really.

Obviously, there's some flaw I'm not seeing. Other than the ones I've just figured out I have.

It was all a lie. All of it. *ALL* of it, for God's sake. I don't get screwed over often, but when I do, it's monumental. I don't fail often, but when I do, it's a BIG mistake. Giant failure. I am so blind, I believed everyone cared about me, I believed that many people loved me. I didn't know I was wrong back then.

It's ironic how 3 months ago I was so happy with the way I was. The way I carried myself and the way I looked. And now, 3 months later, i's all gone. Nothing left there. My confidence is gone, and I'm back to that girl I was in grade 7. The one who felt the need to protect herself from everyone all the time. I never wanted to become her again. I wanted her to die. She did. Only takes a shattered mirror, salt water and numbers, mix it all up together and she comes back to life.

How sad.
How pathetic.
How stupid.

Émerveillée par ma propre stupidité, c'est une première.

Let Them Eat Cake

For the love of God, I cannot believe I sat through the entire thing. The whoooole movie.

I had my doubts about Sofia Coppola's Marie Antoinette, because I couldn't believe that a movie full of american actors about the queen of France could be any good. To be honest, it is visually amazing. Breathtaking really. But also incredibly shallow.

I was hoping, when I decided to watch the damned thing, to be shown some sort of other side to Marie Antoinette's life. Maybe Sofia Coppola had truly understood the woman and made a movie about who she was, about her life, you know.

And what do I get? Some self-indulgent, deep as a kiddie pool, neon cake, dresses and shoes, champagne and blue converse piece of ...BAH. No wonder the French booed her.

Gahddddd, if you're gonna make a movie about Marie-Antoinette, at least do it RIGHT. It's called historical accuracy. And for Pete's sake, don't tell the whole effing planet that you made a movie about a person who existed according to your perspective of her! Don't say you're making a movie about a person who actually lived and then completely ignore some of the most wel-known facts about that person. And then make a whole nation look like the bad guys.

SIGH.

Anywho. This has been the weirdest weekend ever. It's like I've had three Sundays in a row.

I got to watch Hollywoodland though, and then The Jacket.........Adrien Brody ^-^.

Well.....Ciao!

Watch You Work The Room

You know what? It would have been 2 months today, and I didn't even realise it until someone mentioned the date it was gonna be tomorrow. And the funniest part is: I don't even mind. I don't care :D.

This has been a good day just because of this. I spent the rest of it doing french homework {14 pages long} and bio.

Well...gotta get back to that french homework. Not done yet.

Buh-Bye

Too Much Green To Feel Blue

This is my new favourite song. Favourite parts underlined as usual.

I'm gonna make you bend and break
(It sends you to me without wait)
Say a prayer but let the good times roll
In case God doesn't show
(Let the good times roll, let the good times roll)
And I want these words to make things right
But it's the wrongs that make the words come to life
"Who does he think he is?"
If that's the worst you got
Better put your fingers back to the keys

One night and one more time
Thanks for the memories even though they weren't so great
"He tastes like you only sweeter"
One night, yeah, and one more time
Thanks for the memories, thanks for the memories
"He, he tastes like you only sweeter"

Been looking forward to the future
But my eyesight is going bad
And this crystal ball
It's always cloudy except for
When you look into the past
(look into the past)
One night stand
(one night stand off)

One night and one more time
Thanks for the memories even though they weren't so great
"He tastes like you only sweeter"
One night, yeah, and one more time
Thanks for the memories, thanks for the memories
"He, he tastes like you only sweeter"

They say I only think in the form of crunching numbers
In hotel rooms collecting page six lovers
Get me out of my mind and get you out of those clothes
I'm a liner away from getting you into the mood, whoa

One night and one more time
Thanks for the memories even though they weren't so great
"He tastes like you only sweeter"
One night, yeah, and one more time
Thanks for the memories, thanks for the memories
"See, he tastes like you only sweeter"

One night and one more time
(One more night, one more time)
Thanks for the memories even though they weren't so great
"He tastes like you only sweeter"
One night, yeah, and one more time
(One more night, one more time)
Thanks for the memories, thanks for the memories
"See, he tastes like you only sweeter"

****

What would my life be like without Fall Out Boy? :P
I don't know.

Well I'm gonna go do something.
- Laters

You're Just Living A Lie, Honey

Oooooh Valentine's Day is just getting closer and closer. Now, I'm not celebrating it, but it's still the first Holiday of the year worthy of Hallmark cards.

Prepare for the onslaught of new couples, lovebirds, exes shooting death glares at each other, bitter teens looking for love, etc etc etc.

I'm not part of any of the above. Not planning on getting myself a new someone anytime soon [and no, not planning on shooting death glares either].

I want life to go back to normal. The kind of normal where breathing in is easy to do, and where I can get some sleep at night [not toss and turn because I am stressed because I can't stop my train of thought before I go to sleep and because ...well...I stress about everything].

In any case, today Infinity On High came out. And I wasn't able to buy it because of a reunion. Gahd.

And...now's my time to go to bed. [It's 20:51 now].

- Laters.

You Don't Have Squirrelly Wrath

I Will Kill You All
Nothing You Can Do About It
I Will Kill You All
Nothing You Can Do About It

Squirrelly Wrath
Squirrelly Wrath
Squirrelly Wrath

You're All Gonna Die
You're All Gonna Die

Squirrelly Wrath
Squirrelly Wrath

***********

I'm The Lord And Master
You All Are Bastards
Worship Me
Or I'll Stab Your Eyes Till You Bleed
I'm The Lord And Master

***********
I love Foamy the Squirrell. I had completely forgotten about him. *Sigh* Foamy Rocks.

[Just ICYDK, I am not planning on killing anyone].

- Laters

P.S. --> www.illwillpress.com

The Wings That You Burn

Okay, so I had this horrible day and night yesterday. And it made me think about how much I let people get to me in general. I've therefore decided that my opinion is the only one that counts and that I can do whatever the hell I please and say whataver I want [although I would never consider saying anything mean about anyone ever again, so I'm stopping that for good, sick of everyone as I may be].

I've also changed my mind about hugs and contact with other human beings. And I realised that in all truth, the only person I am mad at in this story is me. And I can live with that. It happens to me often, being mad at me.

Anywho, out with the old [Also Know As Drama] and in with the new [Also Known As Having a Good Time and Not Worrying About Anything]. Let's change the topic of my rant right *now*.

Lately I've found that I want to be around people so much more than I used to. I guess that's another good thing that came out of the disaster that is my love life. I want to be around my friends, I want to be around my family. I like talking to people and getting to know them, or having intelligent discussions.

It's like whatever was blocking that off is gone. I love it. I will talk to anyone about anything. Much easier to trust people and to let them in knowing that if they betray me or hurt me or disappear out of my life, it's not actually gonna hurt half as much as I was expecting it to. And it's not the end of the world, really. Life doesn't wait for you to get better, it doesn't wait for you to get up.

Anyways, this was very random...and confusing. Nothing I wrote in this blog today actually makes sense in my head.

I'll go do something now.

- Buh-Bye!

P.S. --> Green Clay Mask again. I look like a zombie :P.

Edit: I miss the way things used to be before. How we were able to talk. You know, no strings, nothing. We were almost friends for a second there. I miss that. I miss talking about anything and not having that matter. It was all just trivial back then, we could do anything and everything. Talk about anything, and it never affected us. *sigh* I wish we could go back to that. I wish we could *all* go back to that.

Red Eyes, But No Mascara Tears

I am tired. Oh-so-tired.

I went to bed at 2:30 AM last night this morning, and then I woke up at 9:00 AM to my mother singing whatever song she was listening to.

I was still too tired to open my eyes so I turned on my iPod-playing clock radio and listened to my iPod until 10:00-10:30. Then I got up, ate a couple of timbits.

I was babysitting last night. Watched the Wizard of Oz. I was going to watch Clockwork Orange but I decided that I didn't feel like sitting through anything too [physically or psychologically] violent. I ended up watching Aquamarine, too. I don't know where my obsession with that movie came from, but everytime it's playing, I just have to watch it. This movie is what made me re-discover and old favourite song of mine [Weezer's Island in the Sun].

On a [sort of] funny note, I was supposed to celebrate Anti-Valentine's on Wednesday the 14th...And I was supposed to do lots of other things that day,too. But I have an appointment for my glasses [remember, I was listening to The Medic Droid's Fer Sure and they *ahem* slipped off my face and fell, haha.] at 3:20 [which means I'm gonna miss a part of physics, dammit]. I'll still celebrate Anti-HallmarkDayforLovers anyways :P.

Rephrased, that means that on Valentine's Day, I have an appointment to improve my sight. Kind of ironic in a way, since they say that "love is blind".

Anywho, this weekend is going to be all about me. Whatever I feel or don't feel like doing, I will or will not do it...[that made sense in my head].

In other news, I don't need that crash course on "How Not To Care If People Hate Like You Or Not - Because You Can't Do Anything About It" anymore. I've just realised that, well, I can*not* do anything about it. I'll just have to live with it. Not everyone liked/likes/will like me.

- Laters

P.S. --> My face is soft. I mean my skin is soft. Thank you, green mud mask!

Please Lend Me Your Eraser

I wonder why he called me a bitch behind my back. One more funny thing to add to this situation. I am a "fucking bitch", as he told the person who told me he had said it.

I don't understand men. I swear to God, he dumps me for another girl and says it's annoying that I talked to him after we broke up, and now I'm a bitch?

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgghhhhhhhhhhhhuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuughhhhh!!!!!

This is exactly what I didn't want to see happen. Not only are we 1) not together anymore and 2) not friends at all, but now he calls me a bitch behind my back. Gahd.

It's kinda sad, really, because this is exactly what I wanted to avoid. :(.

Anyways, I'm just gonna go do something. Just forget about this. *SIGH*
Someone please give me a crash course on "Not Caring What People Think Or If They Hate You Or Not - Because You Can't Do Anything About It".

It makes me so ficking sad when people hate me...:(...

I am really cold. My joints are turning blue :S
Anywho, I feel better now. By the way, Valentine's Day is in....12 days.
*sigh*

- Later

Look At The Mess We Made Tonight...

Alright. I'm going to try to make this a non-lyrical post. I was looking for something that described how I'm feeling today, but nothing really fits my mood.

Blogging just isn't what it used to be for me...

So anyways...today was a good day, I guess. I've been hyper for most of the day [except for...well...right now]. I actually went outside a couple of times [with a friend] and we jumped around like two idiots on speed. It was hilarious. Lots of fun :). I have to say that I don't think I've ever laughed as hard.

Except maybe in Physics. We always have so much fun. There's always something funny waiting to happen [like last semester when I almost choked to death on water+crystal-light when that joke about the crystal meth was made. *sigh* Good Times...I miss last semester, everything was so perfect back then...].

Today, once again, I started laughing like a maniac and could not stop. I have a new laugh every day for some reason, and it's always ridiculously stupid. This morning, I actually squeaked beacuse I stopped breathing for a second when I was laughing [although I think that was in Chemistry or Biology].

Overall, today was one of those hyper days. I was in a good mood pretty much all day.

Tonight is a different story though. I feel sort of sick. And I can barely eat [I'm probably like this girl I know. She goes through phases like that when she's confused or stressed. Probably my problem]. I have not done my homework yet [I am about to start working on it, though]. I'm just...not okay, I guess. I feel sort of alone :). Like as much as everyone wants to be or is there, it doesn't change anything for me. I feel like no one understands me [but I know that's not true. Someone somewhere *must* be able to understand me...].

Anyways, in other news, the new [girl] student who just arrived at our school and who was in grade 11 with us is now in grade 10 [she didn't have all the classes she needed to be in grade 11. Poor her, she was in Chemistry 20 with us and she's never done any of it before. Never had chemistry :s].

And I take back what I said about this being a non-lyrical post, Haha.

Piece by piece, and bit by bit
I'll break this down for you, real slow
But I can't whisper all of this
And I can't seem to let this go

So I'll watch the matches, turn to ashes
I'll watch the matches, turn to ashes

I can tell as you turn,
I smell the sulfur so clear
And fire's a beautiful sound
And the wings that you burn turn to ashes my dear
And ashes just fall to the ground
Yeah we're only ashes

Part and part and inch by inch
You'll have your mile when its through
Incinerate whats left of this
And torch the part of me that's you

So I'll watch the matches, turn to ashes

I can tell as you turn,
I smell the sulfur so clear
And fire's a beautiful sound
And the wings that you burn turn to ashes my dear
And ashes just fall to the ground
Yeah we're only ashes

I can tell as you turn,
I smell the sulfur so clear
And fire's a beautiful sound
And the wings that you burn turn to ashes my dear
And ashes just fall to the ground
Yeah we're only ashes

- Toodles