Sorrow Is Just All The Rage

Is it that I can't take compliments or that I just don't want to hear a bunch of lies? Who knows really.

Content with the fact that I'll never be good enough for anything except being asked the same question eight hundred times in a row, deep down. It was meant to be that way.

How could anyone say there's nothing wrong with me when there so evidently is. I might never get the chance to win at this. I'll never have a heart for those who deserve it and always for the ones who don't. Is it by any chance that I care about too many people, or that I expect blindly believe that people feel the same for me? Out of the many people I know, not one could fade away without me noticing it. Any heart stops beating, it breaks mine. Any heart gets broken, it hurts mine. How is it then that when it happens to me, mine is the only one to be torn to pieces.

I think I just don't like the lies. It's completely dishonest to tell a girl she's beautiful when you don't mean it, when you know it's not true and when you know she's also aware of that fact. As it's not okay to tell a girl you love her if you don't feel that way. Why pretend you care when you don't? That's what really confuses me. Why would anyone pretend to love someone, pretend to care, pretend pretend and pretend more? Why would anyone make themselves unhappy by lying to someone and staying with them when they don't care about them? Why would someone stay with a person he or she doesn't love, like, care about at all when they could be with someone else? Someone they actually like. Why, when they *know* they've got some other person waiting for them [on the side]? Is it just for the fun of seeing that person's face when they realise that it was a lie? That everything that was said was a lie...

I always put myself in lose-lose situations. Last time, was going out with this guy. Now here's the lose-lose situation --> Either it doesn't last and I get hurt [OR] It lasts, I have to move, long-distance relationships don't work so it ends, and I get hurt. There is no way to win this game. I've just entered another one of those zones. The "about-this-close-\-\-to-getting-hurt" zone. I *think* [I've been doubting myself ever since that last lose-lose situation...Not sure how I feel about anyone anymore :)] I like this guy, older than me [:)] to whom I just recently started really talking. And he...probably likes another girl. The sad part about it is that I understand why someone'd want to pick her over me. She's thin. She's pretty. Easygoing and funny at times. I'm not. The only thing I ever had going for me was the smart thing. Unfortunately, I'm 17, and no one gives [a shit] if you're smart when you're 17.

Which brings me to my point. There's gotta be something wrong with the person I am. The boyfriend I was going to break up with because he was [supposedly] talking about me behind my back [I believe it, but I'll never really know if it really happened or not] dumped me for apparently no reason. Turned out it was for another girl. And because he never even liked me. Every single guy I've ever had feelings for hasn't liked me back [including the boyfriend aforementioned---> Funny, it doesn't *feel* like he was ever my boyfriend]. This guy I used to like, who I considered my friend, basically hates me. Or he just doesn't care, which is worse. People in my class say he's really nice nowadays. He's nice to them at least, which is funny. He's being nice to all the people who talked about him behind his back. I didn't. But he doesn't talk to me. It's............sad, really.

Obviously, there's some flaw I'm not seeing. Other than the ones I've just figured out I have.

It was all a lie. All of it. *ALL* of it, for God's sake. I don't get screwed over often, but when I do, it's monumental. I don't fail often, but when I do, it's a BIG mistake. Giant failure. I am so blind, I believed everyone cared about me, I believed that many people loved me. I didn't know I was wrong back then.

It's ironic how 3 months ago I was so happy with the way I was. The way I carried myself and the way I looked. And now, 3 months later, i's all gone. Nothing left there. My confidence is gone, and I'm back to that girl I was in grade 7. The one who felt the need to protect herself from everyone all the time. I never wanted to become her again. I wanted her to die. She did. Only takes a shattered mirror, salt water and numbers, mix it all up together and she comes back to life.

How sad.
How pathetic.
How stupid.

Émerveillée par ma propre stupidité, c'est une première.