Running Out Of Days :]

Alright, so I might be saying this before I even believe it 100%, but it really doesn't change anything. I think I'm starting to get over it. Really this time. Actually, starting is the wrong word. I'm very close to being over all of this. It's true, I mean, you shouldn't wait for a guy who doesn't know, doesn't care or who'll never be more than a friend.

I don't have the butterflies anymore. Most people would say that's not necessarily a bad thing and that is just means that I'm more mature about the whole thing, but I know me. And when I don't have butterflies, it means the crush has passed. Or that I don't like the guy anymore. Not interested anymore.

It's sad though...I'm not sure I'm even right about this. It would be hilarious if I woke up tomorrow and realised that I didn't mean any of this.

Anywho, keeping it short.

Laters.

Thanks Cap'n!

I am so not giving up. I can't, it's against my moral beliefs. Okay, maybe not, but I'm hooked.

I'm an idiot. I'll never tell him. And if he liked me, he would never tell me. Meh, not likely. The odds are not in my favour. At this point, it's more likely that he likes my bestie than me.

I'm an idiot.
:}

-Bye

This Just Can't Be Summer Love...♪

I give up. Up. Up. Up. Like the last time I wrote in my name that I gave up and my friend thought I was talking about that other guy, except that this time I'm just too plain tired. And the guy I like , guy who used to joke around with me and the person who was always nice, doesn't care at all, obviously, since he doesn't talk to me anymore at all. No joking around. Nothing. It reminds me of that week after the other guy and I broke up, when I felt like I was cut off from something addictive. As cheesy as it sounds. I just wanted it to be okay again, I missed it when he hugged me. And now I miss conversations with the new one.

He hasn't really been the same lately. And I'm tired of always feeling down because he really doesn't talk to me, doesn't pay the least bit of attention to me, doesn't care...I'm tired of it. So tired. I can't stand it.

Of course if he does start talking to me again, I'll be singing a different tune. But it probably won't happen. And honestly, even if he does....Nothing will ever happen between us. He's leaving. And with me, long distance doesn't work. It never ever does. I'm pretty much screwed.

Anywho, I talked with the ex boyfriend a week ago today. We really talked. For once. Maybe the first time. I think it was the first time I told him everything that was on my mind wihtout worrying about his reaction. And he talked to me. And we were good. ...Now it's kinda awkward again. Maybe there was a misunderstanding somewhere about how I feel about all of this [since UH everyone who saw us talking and saw me give him a hug thinks I want him back. Maybe he does too...]. Man, it would be weird if he did.

Anywho, I'm gonna go to bed now. I'm tired and need a few hours of sleep. I want to be awake tomorrow morning in class. :]

- Later

Like You Like An Arsonist

I swear, twenty minutes ago TOPS, I could see enormous amounts of smoke emanating from somewhere close but far North-West of my house [North-West from my point of view in my backyard]. It's still there, coming out in clouds. The fire is still going on, I think. I can hear a firetruck right now, speeding its way over there to reach it in case it gets out of control. The bush is on fire. The woods, basically. 200, 300 meters so far. There's a helicopter over my house right now, also on its way over there. One, maybe two. Sounds like it at least. It's crazy how muhc it smells like smoke. I don't like it.

I'm currently drinking lemonade [Water+ Lemon-Lime Crystal Light]. And I'm in an 'OK' mood, I guess.

For the third time in 8 days, my ex was sitting next to me on the bus. I'm always on the bus before he gets there, so it's my decision of he gets to sit with me or not. Today, he's just like "Hey pretty lady, can I?" and when I don't respond, he says "It's your decision". I said yes, cause I'm not bitchy enough to say no just because he's my ex. The we joked around about me controlling him. He asked if I was saying I could. I had this urge to answer "Obviously not, cause things wouldn't be this way if I were able to", but I figured I was better off just saying "No". I'd kind of like being "friendly" with him. Maybe friends, but not necessarily. As long as he's not calling me a bitch behind my back, and I don't have the urge to call him an asshole.

Supposedly, he thinks I want him back. I can't say I never thought about it. I mean, I did. Especially right after we broke up. But now...I dunno. I don't think so. I don't think it would be a wise choice. Oh, and my friends wouldn't LET me do it :P

In other recent news, it is getting more and more obvious that the guy I like doesn't like me back, and I am therefore declaring forfeit.

I'm now gonna go do something. Somewhere. I dunno.

- Adieu

Big Bird, Little Cage

Just have a little patience

I'm still hurting from a love I lost

I'm feeling your frustration

Any minute all the pain will stop.

Just hold me close inside your arms tonight

Don't be too hard on my emotions.

'Cause I

Need time

My heart is numb, has no feeling

So while I'm still healing

Just try and have a little patience.

I really wanna start over again

I know you wanna be my salvation

The one that I can always depend.

I'll try to be strong

Believe me I'm trying to move on

It's complicated but understand me.

'Cause I
Need time
My heart is numb, has no feeling
So while I'm still healing
Just try and have a little patience.

'Cause the scars run so deep

It's been hard but I have to believe

Just have a little patience

'Cause I
Need time
My heart is numb, has no feeling
So while I'm still healing
Just try and have a little patience.

Have a little patience

My heart is numb, has no feeling

So while I’m still healing

Just try and have a little patience



*********

We watch the season pull up its own stakes

And catch the last weekend of the last week

Before the gold and the glimmer have been replaced,

Another sun soaked season fades away



You have stolen my heart

Invitation only, grant farewells

Crush the best one, of the best ones

Clear liquor and cloudy eyed, too early to say goodnight

You have stolen my heart

And from the ballroom floor we are in celebration

One good stretch before our hibernation

Our dreams assured and we all, will sleep well

You have stolen

You have stolen my heart

I watch you spin around in the highest heels

You are the best one, of the best ones

We all look like we feel



You have stolen my

You have stolen my heart

Awkwardness Is Bad

I'm so afraid of so many things. I try going over them in my mind but I can't seem to grasp at every fear or doubt I have and make sense of it.

I'm in that awkward situation right now, where I like someone. That's not the awkward part. The awkward part is having a bunch of my friends who know tell me that I should tell that person. I'm not able to do it.

I don't know when I got scared of saying how I felt about people out loud. I have no problem with the words "I love you" anymore. But I can't seem to get "I like you" out.

Actually, I'm just spitting out a bunch of bull right now. Of course I know why the hell I'm afraid. It's because I like a guy, and I should tell him I like him so he knows. But I can't. Because what if everything gets awkward if he doesn't like me back? Or what if he does like me back, but it ends up being awkward because we break up? It happened before. The first time I told a guy I liked him, it didn't hit me hard or hurt because nothing happened between us. But the last time really killed it for me. There's just a tiny detail I don't understand, and it's making things so complicated.

Why? Why would a guy say he likes me , loves me whatever, and then as soon as we break up, say the complete opposite? Could someone explain that to me? Because that's the reason I'm fucking scared. I'm scared it's gonna happen again. I don't like putting myself, my heart on the line. Mostly if it's gonna end up like that, broken. Or bruised in that case.

And the saddest thing is that I like a good guy this time. A really good guy who's not like that at all. But everytime I think about telling him, my stomach's all tied in knots and I get so afraid at the prospect of rejection or a broken heart. I hate that I'm obviously the kind of girl who lets past relationships affect the current ones. Or possible ones. I can't get it through my head that he's different, he's nice and he would actually care, he wouldn't do that. I can't even convince myself that maybe he likes me [something I was VERY good at before. That's why I was always disappointed]. I hate that I've become even more afraid than I was before.

I'm gonna go get some sleep. I need it.

- Byes

She Wonders If She Was High...

...when she wrote that godawful thing that almost sounds like a poem. It's called free writing. But it's horrible.

On a more joyous note, I've been hearing some rumours about an ex and about a potential and they're not making me very happy. I've therefore decided to give up on the potential and forget the ex again. I had a flashback moment of the days when all the trouble mattered and they made me weak in the knees, not in the good sense of the term. Not the "I love you" weak in the knees, unfortunately....or fortunately. I would be signing myself up for therapy or begging to be locked up in an asylum if it were that.

Basically, I'm free!

Now I only need to get rid of everyone on this planet, so I'll finally be able to have a moment alone with yours truly. And then maybe I'll finally have peace. For a second, completely alone in an empty world. Maybe I should move to the middle of the tropical forest....then again, I'm caucasian and my immune system is only average. I hate heat. I could never ever live in the rainforest... Hmm, maybe the North pole. I'll think about it.

Tomorrow is Monday, the day of the moon. Never thought of it before, but maybe that's why I'm always so goddamn tired on Mondays. Moonday. Moo. Like a cow! A cow! Something I've been called, apparently, behind my back. Meh, whatever. Maybe I am. :P Or NOT.

So this year is almost over. I've decided which classes I'm taking next year [and this summer].
French 30 for 5 credits
English 30 for 5 credits [Most awesome teacher ever is LEAVING this summer :( ]
Social Studies 30 for 5 credits
Biology 30 for 5 credits
Chemistry 30 for 5 credits
Math Pure 30 for 5 credits
FPS 35 for 3 credits
Drama 20 for 5 credits
Psychology 20 for 5 credits (or 3...not too sure)
Gym 20 for 5 credits
MAYBE Psychology 30 for 3 or 5 credits

I'm finishing grade 12 with over 115 credits minimum. And max is 137, I think :P That's what I'm aiming for.

Sometimes, it hits me how awesome I can be. It's sad that it doesn't happen often though.

Laters :]