Who Would've Guessed It?

I am tired as hell today. I fell asleep on the couch earlier because I am just completely drained. have no energy. The past couple of days have been pretty interesting.

On Friday, I had my Physics final. The first part is the written part, which is all in all, worth 30% of the exam. So 15% of my whole semester. According to the discussions that went on after the test, I actually did very well on that part.

The second part was multiple choice and numeric answers. That one I'm not too ecstatic about. I probably didn't do well on it. Sadly. And I can't wait until I get my final mark. :s

After the exams, I went to my friend's house and we rented movies and had a sleepover. We watched :

- Accepted [Pretty freakin good. Better than I expected...]

- Reno 911 [Stupidest shit ever. It is just a disturrrrbing movie. But The Rock is in it.]

- Blood and Chocolate [Which was also pretty good].

Saturday was grad day. SO I stayed in my PJs until 12:30 and then took a shower and she did my hair. And makeup. And then we applied the fake nails that are still on my fingers [because they look good] but not on hers [cause she hated them].

The we put on the dresses and went to grad. I held the tears in. Many laughs. Many teary moments [cutest one being when one of the grad's brother delivered his speech and was crying :) ]. That made me cry. Most of the speeches made me cry. And the pictures. Supper was awesome. It was really good.

When it was over, we hugged everyone. And then we headed to my friend's house to get changed for the aftergrad. I just wanted to get out of that dress. So I put on a random pair of jeans, my gray tanktop, layered my purple one over it, brought a hoodie, put on some comfortable shoes and we went to the aftergrad.

There was a fire [that didn't actually become a real fire until an hour later, but it was awesome] and insect-repelling candles, Haha. Most of the people got there after we did, and some of them were probably already drunk. I had a Smirnoff twister apple thing. Which my stomach did not like. Luckily, it didn't make me sick. But I stopped my drinking right there [as if I would've decided to drink more] . I watched the rest of the people get drunk. I said goodbye to an old friend of mine who is leaving. And the last hug I called was stolen from me. Around 2:15 - 2:30 ish, we decided to leave, and I decided that I felt like doing something stupid.

I was really going to tell him...until I realised [or mostly woke up and admitted the fact that] the guy was drunk and

1) He probably wouldn't remember if I told him.

2) It would be really pathetic to use the fact that he is drunk against him and

3) I don't want to be the girl who tells a drunk guy how she feels about him.

So I didn't. I just hugged him and said bye [for the third time. So if he didn't know I liked him, he should by know. If he even remembers that.] and he said [for the third time] that we would see each other again around Christmas time because he'd probably take a week off. And that was how the night ended for me. I was trying really hard not to cry. It kind of didn't work. As soon as I got in the van, the tears started flowing. I didn't sob, though. It was very silent.

I kind of stopped crying when another girl came to say goodbye to me, and tell me that she felt bad cause her mom wouldn't leave her alone about her marks because I get 90s. And she said she loved me and she wanted to graduate with me and that I should've told the guy cause he is leaving. I think she drank a bit too much, but I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt. Cause she's awesome.

Then, we tried to leave but the van was sort of stuck in the mud, so people were pushing us [the girl who said goodbye and the guy I like were part of that]. There was a truck right behind us, so we couldn't really back up. And then those stupid drunk girls were standing right in front of the van and they wouldn't move and we wanted to leave, so my friend told them to "Get the fuck out of the way, now!" and some girl just said "What the fuck? Get the fuck out of here! Who the fuck is that? Fucking bitch." and the "Shut the fuck up!" just slipped out of me.

Then we went home. I went to sleep at 3:30 and woke up at 8. I was so tired. I fell asleep on the couch this afternoon.

And that is how I discovered my love/hate relationship with parties.

- Later.

Hurricane Waters

I am tired. I have a bio final tomorrow. I should be studying but I can't bring myself to do it. So I'm gonna be lazy and just stay on the computer.

And I am so bored tonight that my blogging ability has taken a hit. Oh well. ....

Goodbye!

Who'll Stop the Raiiiiiiin

Well. This was an interesting day. Wet and cold. Really really really cold. Almost made me wanna hug some random guy at the bike race. Of course, it wouldn't've been random since the only 2 guys I would have even considered hugging would've been either Guy#1 who's in my class or Guy#2, the one I used to be with.

But I didn't. I waited until I was home and changed in my warm clothes to actually start thinking today. And pretty much came to the conclusion that 1) I really need to get laid [along with a friend of mine...but not together, not at the same time. With different people, yes. ...Awkward] and 2) I really want a boyfriend. No need for one, but I want one :(. And no, thos two things are not corelated in any way. They are separate facts.

Anyways. So yeah. I spent my night thinking about that. I want a damn boyfriend. Like right now :]. SIGH.

Anywho, the most interesting conversation topic today for me was, um, hot guys. Hot guys in uniforms. And a rather awkward mentioning of people I didn't want mentioned. Actually, scratch that. Not "Hot Guys In Uniforms/Suits", but guys in uniforms. Period. Because I think pretty much any guy would look hot in, I don't know, one of those white Navy uniforms :}.

Then there's, of course, that whole other category of celebrities. Man, I would kill to see Orlando Bloom in a freakin Navy uniform. I already pretty much burnt the remaining functioning cells in my brain by staring at him too hard during POTC3 [The bandana, the hair, the eyes, the SCAR. Nyaha :P]. It would probably make my brain explode. ^_^

Anywho, I'm gonna go do something constructive now.

-Goodbye

P.S. --> I am fickle. Fickle fickle fickle. I so haven't given up.

Running Out Of Days :]

Alright, so I might be saying this before I even believe it 100%, but it really doesn't change anything. I think I'm starting to get over it. Really this time. Actually, starting is the wrong word. I'm very close to being over all of this. It's true, I mean, you shouldn't wait for a guy who doesn't know, doesn't care or who'll never be more than a friend.

I don't have the butterflies anymore. Most people would say that's not necessarily a bad thing and that is just means that I'm more mature about the whole thing, but I know me. And when I don't have butterflies, it means the crush has passed. Or that I don't like the guy anymore. Not interested anymore.

It's sad though...I'm not sure I'm even right about this. It would be hilarious if I woke up tomorrow and realised that I didn't mean any of this.

Anywho, keeping it short.

Laters.

Thanks Cap'n!

I am so not giving up. I can't, it's against my moral beliefs. Okay, maybe not, but I'm hooked.

I'm an idiot. I'll never tell him. And if he liked me, he would never tell me. Meh, not likely. The odds are not in my favour. At this point, it's more likely that he likes my bestie than me.

I'm an idiot.
:}

-Bye

This Just Can't Be Summer Love...♪

I give up. Up. Up. Up. Like the last time I wrote in my name that I gave up and my friend thought I was talking about that other guy, except that this time I'm just too plain tired. And the guy I like , guy who used to joke around with me and the person who was always nice, doesn't care at all, obviously, since he doesn't talk to me anymore at all. No joking around. Nothing. It reminds me of that week after the other guy and I broke up, when I felt like I was cut off from something addictive. As cheesy as it sounds. I just wanted it to be okay again, I missed it when he hugged me. And now I miss conversations with the new one.

He hasn't really been the same lately. And I'm tired of always feeling down because he really doesn't talk to me, doesn't pay the least bit of attention to me, doesn't care...I'm tired of it. So tired. I can't stand it.

Of course if he does start talking to me again, I'll be singing a different tune. But it probably won't happen. And honestly, even if he does....Nothing will ever happen between us. He's leaving. And with me, long distance doesn't work. It never ever does. I'm pretty much screwed.

Anywho, I talked with the ex boyfriend a week ago today. We really talked. For once. Maybe the first time. I think it was the first time I told him everything that was on my mind wihtout worrying about his reaction. And he talked to me. And we were good. ...Now it's kinda awkward again. Maybe there was a misunderstanding somewhere about how I feel about all of this [since UH everyone who saw us talking and saw me give him a hug thinks I want him back. Maybe he does too...]. Man, it would be weird if he did.

Anywho, I'm gonna go to bed now. I'm tired and need a few hours of sleep. I want to be awake tomorrow morning in class. :]

- Later

Like You Like An Arsonist

I swear, twenty minutes ago TOPS, I could see enormous amounts of smoke emanating from somewhere close but far North-West of my house [North-West from my point of view in my backyard]. It's still there, coming out in clouds. The fire is still going on, I think. I can hear a firetruck right now, speeding its way over there to reach it in case it gets out of control. The bush is on fire. The woods, basically. 200, 300 meters so far. There's a helicopter over my house right now, also on its way over there. One, maybe two. Sounds like it at least. It's crazy how muhc it smells like smoke. I don't like it.

I'm currently drinking lemonade [Water+ Lemon-Lime Crystal Light]. And I'm in an 'OK' mood, I guess.

For the third time in 8 days, my ex was sitting next to me on the bus. I'm always on the bus before he gets there, so it's my decision of he gets to sit with me or not. Today, he's just like "Hey pretty lady, can I?" and when I don't respond, he says "It's your decision". I said yes, cause I'm not bitchy enough to say no just because he's my ex. The we joked around about me controlling him. He asked if I was saying I could. I had this urge to answer "Obviously not, cause things wouldn't be this way if I were able to", but I figured I was better off just saying "No". I'd kind of like being "friendly" with him. Maybe friends, but not necessarily. As long as he's not calling me a bitch behind my back, and I don't have the urge to call him an asshole.

Supposedly, he thinks I want him back. I can't say I never thought about it. I mean, I did. Especially right after we broke up. But now...I dunno. I don't think so. I don't think it would be a wise choice. Oh, and my friends wouldn't LET me do it :P

In other recent news, it is getting more and more obvious that the guy I like doesn't like me back, and I am therefore declaring forfeit.

I'm now gonna go do something. Somewhere. I dunno.

- Adieu

Big Bird, Little Cage

Just have a little patience

I'm still hurting from a love I lost

I'm feeling your frustration

Any minute all the pain will stop.

Just hold me close inside your arms tonight

Don't be too hard on my emotions.

'Cause I

Need time

My heart is numb, has no feeling

So while I'm still healing

Just try and have a little patience.

I really wanna start over again

I know you wanna be my salvation

The one that I can always depend.

I'll try to be strong

Believe me I'm trying to move on

It's complicated but understand me.

'Cause I
Need time
My heart is numb, has no feeling
So while I'm still healing
Just try and have a little patience.

'Cause the scars run so deep

It's been hard but I have to believe

Just have a little patience

'Cause I
Need time
My heart is numb, has no feeling
So while I'm still healing
Just try and have a little patience.

Have a little patience

My heart is numb, has no feeling

So while I’m still healing

Just try and have a little patience



*********

We watch the season pull up its own stakes

And catch the last weekend of the last week

Before the gold and the glimmer have been replaced,

Another sun soaked season fades away



You have stolen my heart

Invitation only, grant farewells

Crush the best one, of the best ones

Clear liquor and cloudy eyed, too early to say goodnight

You have stolen my heart

And from the ballroom floor we are in celebration

One good stretch before our hibernation

Our dreams assured and we all, will sleep well

You have stolen

You have stolen my heart

I watch you spin around in the highest heels

You are the best one, of the best ones

We all look like we feel



You have stolen my

You have stolen my heart

Awkwardness Is Bad

I'm so afraid of so many things. I try going over them in my mind but I can't seem to grasp at every fear or doubt I have and make sense of it.

I'm in that awkward situation right now, where I like someone. That's not the awkward part. The awkward part is having a bunch of my friends who know tell me that I should tell that person. I'm not able to do it.

I don't know when I got scared of saying how I felt about people out loud. I have no problem with the words "I love you" anymore. But I can't seem to get "I like you" out.

Actually, I'm just spitting out a bunch of bull right now. Of course I know why the hell I'm afraid. It's because I like a guy, and I should tell him I like him so he knows. But I can't. Because what if everything gets awkward if he doesn't like me back? Or what if he does like me back, but it ends up being awkward because we break up? It happened before. The first time I told a guy I liked him, it didn't hit me hard or hurt because nothing happened between us. But the last time really killed it for me. There's just a tiny detail I don't understand, and it's making things so complicated.

Why? Why would a guy say he likes me , loves me whatever, and then as soon as we break up, say the complete opposite? Could someone explain that to me? Because that's the reason I'm fucking scared. I'm scared it's gonna happen again. I don't like putting myself, my heart on the line. Mostly if it's gonna end up like that, broken. Or bruised in that case.

And the saddest thing is that I like a good guy this time. A really good guy who's not like that at all. But everytime I think about telling him, my stomach's all tied in knots and I get so afraid at the prospect of rejection or a broken heart. I hate that I'm obviously the kind of girl who lets past relationships affect the current ones. Or possible ones. I can't get it through my head that he's different, he's nice and he would actually care, he wouldn't do that. I can't even convince myself that maybe he likes me [something I was VERY good at before. That's why I was always disappointed]. I hate that I've become even more afraid than I was before.

I'm gonna go get some sleep. I need it.

- Byes

She Wonders If She Was High...

...when she wrote that godawful thing that almost sounds like a poem. It's called free writing. But it's horrible.

On a more joyous note, I've been hearing some rumours about an ex and about a potential and they're not making me very happy. I've therefore decided to give up on the potential and forget the ex again. I had a flashback moment of the days when all the trouble mattered and they made me weak in the knees, not in the good sense of the term. Not the "I love you" weak in the knees, unfortunately....or fortunately. I would be signing myself up for therapy or begging to be locked up in an asylum if it were that.

Basically, I'm free!

Now I only need to get rid of everyone on this planet, so I'll finally be able to have a moment alone with yours truly. And then maybe I'll finally have peace. For a second, completely alone in an empty world. Maybe I should move to the middle of the tropical forest....then again, I'm caucasian and my immune system is only average. I hate heat. I could never ever live in the rainforest... Hmm, maybe the North pole. I'll think about it.

Tomorrow is Monday, the day of the moon. Never thought of it before, but maybe that's why I'm always so goddamn tired on Mondays. Moonday. Moo. Like a cow! A cow! Something I've been called, apparently, behind my back. Meh, whatever. Maybe I am. :P Or NOT.

So this year is almost over. I've decided which classes I'm taking next year [and this summer].
French 30 for 5 credits
English 30 for 5 credits [Most awesome teacher ever is LEAVING this summer :( ]
Social Studies 30 for 5 credits
Biology 30 for 5 credits
Chemistry 30 for 5 credits
Math Pure 30 for 5 credits
FPS 35 for 3 credits
Drama 20 for 5 credits
Psychology 20 for 5 credits (or 3...not too sure)
Gym 20 for 5 credits
MAYBE Psychology 30 for 3 or 5 credits

I'm finishing grade 12 with over 115 credits minimum. And max is 137, I think :P That's what I'm aiming for.

Sometimes, it hits me how awesome I can be. It's sad that it doesn't happen often though.

Laters :]

Hate Is A Strong Word

Flying high
Popped Balloon
Dream in colour
Black and White
Search me
Hiding deep
Curse
Ruined
Salted - Water
Running down
Slash it red
Tear me down
Peek
Through glass
Green eyes
Mine
Will you
Or Will I?
Please
Tear Me Down
Or
Build Me Up
Don't Leave Me
Hanging
Upside Down
Like I am
Floating
Incoherently
Flip Me
Gently
This is it
You
On my cloud
In the sky
Upside down
High
Flying
High
Side with me
Red - As you
Platonically
Embracing
Me
Her
Raven in the night
I
Light as the sun

I Rock Everyone's Socks But My Own.

I finally found my grad invitation. In my locker. At school, on Wednesday. I was cleaning my friend's locker [another friend and I taped his locker. His whooole locker for April fools. But there had been glue on his locker for 2 weeks and it was disgusting], and I decided to look for the invite in my locker, which is right next to the dirty one. And I found it!!

Today, I got one of those huge slurpees. I used to be able to drink/eat those in 30 minutes. I've been working on this one for over an hour. It's a good thing though. Cause I used to gain weight like crazy because I ate more than I needed to. I didn't know when I wasn't hungry anymore. Weird.

I also discovered today that I can do wonders with black mascara and the tiniest line of liquid black eye-liner at the corner of my eye. Therefore, I am adopting it as my new school makeup. It's pretty damn natural if you ask me. I like it better that way. A few months ago, I was way too worried about what people thought I looked like and wore way too much eyeliner. I don't see the point now. I look fine with just mascara and barely any eyeliner. Actually, I like me with less makeup. Or just not dark makeup. It's trying too hard, and I look better without all of it anyways.

Spring break is almost over. I don't really want to go back to school, but I'll have to. I miss everyone anyways. And I want to wear my spring clothes :P.

It's so nice outside today. The sun's out. I washed my sheets and all today. They're outside catching some rays right now. They're gonna smell so good...Like spring. There's still snow, too. They're gonna smell like spring and winter. :}


It smells like spring outside today. I love it. It's as if we're fish in an aquarium, and the water's finally been changed. Except that the water is air. This time of year is the best to use the phrase "breath of fresh air".

I love spring so much. Spring. Season of loveee! :P

I can't wait until the snow is all gone. Then it will really be spring. Not too warm, not too cold.

*Sigh* I love spring.

Well. I'm gonna go do something.

[We rented movies. I wanted to see 'Bobby' SO bad. But of course, they didn't have it. GAHD :P]

When He Leaves...

, Strangely feeling like the end of my world is approaching fast.
The only reason I can stand to keep going [on with my life/to school/anywhere] is because I get to see the most amazing people ever on an almost-daily basis.

What's gonna happen when they leave?

Maybe I should've left it at what it was before. Not get too close to any of them. But I couldn't help it. They're too awesome. ♥

Maybe I should have focused on the Grade 10s, since we'll more than likely be sharing English&French class. But I can't. I mean the best friend I had in grade 10 I barely talk to anymore.

+ My ex is in that class. And I don't want to deal with him. He's being an ass. [Especially with me. Not that I blame him, I've been a bitch. Cause he deserved it.]

And I'm not very close to anyone in grade 10.

But the grade 12s are a different story. I ♥ all of them. ALL of them. I'm gonna miss them.

And "dancing shitake mushrooms", I've left my grad invitation somewhere and I CAN'T find it DAMMIT!!!!

I gotta go anyways.

- Laters

♥

This has been a good day. I love good days.

Tomorrow, I'm making a DVD [nothing exceptional there] and then I'm going "dress shopping"...or actually, I'm just gonna try on dresses. Because I'm graduating next year and I feel like looking for a dress right away because this year's grad is 3 months away. I'm invited. I should start looking for something to wear. Dress. Spring dress. I want something blue. Or green. Green sounds good. But maybe blue. Maybe purple! Not pink. Blue. No. Green.

I can't make up my mind. We'll just see which colour looks best on me.

...Ok, I'm only gonna go try on dresses because it's fun. Crazy fun.

Well, I'm gonna go think about some guy who doesn't like me now.

...

It's so funny that we're already thinking about our grad. Already talking about who's invited and who's not, dresses, shoes, hair and makeup...tattoos :]. I can't wait. But at the same time, I don't ever want to leave. Wow, next year is going to be special.

-Later

It Went To His Head

Oh My Freakin God. Today was just so...ugh.

I realised that

#1 --> I always put myself in potentially hurtful situations. Most of those situations involve guys. And most of the time, it's unrequited feelings on my or the guy's part that makes them potentially hurtful.

#2 --> Holy Crap, what the hell was I thinking when I decided to go out with that guy? I mean, he spent the day telling everyone not to get a girl to calm down, just because she was gonna beat up some dude that he doesn't like at all. Seriously, we all know they hate each other, but not only is he being an instigating piece of shit by doing that [and actually telling her how to beat him up], but he's also being a real dumbass. He's making himself sound like he wants her to beat the guy up cause he doesn't have the balls to do it. I told him, too, that if he hated the guy that much he should just do it himself. And then told him to shut up when he was telling her to smash his head against the wall. And he gave me "the finger". :o Wow, nice comeback.

Oh, and the guy called me a whore today because I took away his bottle cap. He was using the bottle as a projectile [the cap] launcher on my friends. I threw it away. And he said something along the lines of "that whore". Meh, he's just frustrated cause he never got any from me when we were together :]. Nyahahahahahaha!

#3 --> Yoga is the best therapy around. I always feel like sleeping, leaving the gym.

#4 --> I am now on that level. The one where it *is* possible not to give a shit about someone you used to care about. And I'm over the drama. Of course, life is boring without it...but I don't want any part of it.

ANYWAYS. Gonna go watch Poseidon now.

- Laters

Think I'm On The Edge

Spent most of last night dragging this lake
For the corpses of all my past mistakes
Sell me out - the joke's on you
We are salt - you are the wound
Empty another bottle
And let me tear you to pieces
This is me wishing you
Into the worst situations
I'm the kind of kid
That can't let anything go
But you wouldn't know a good thing
If it came up and slit your throat

Woah [x2]
Ooo
Woah [x2]

Your remorse hasn't fallen on deaf ears
Rather ones that just don't care
Cause I know
That you're in between arms somewhere
Next to heartbeats
Where you shouldn't dare sleep
Now I'll teach you a lesson
For keeping secrets from me

Take your taste back
Peel back your skin
And try to forget how it feels inside
You should try saying no once in a while
Oh once in a while[x2]

And did you hear the news?
I could dissect you
And gut you on this stage
Not as eloquent as I may have imagined
But it will get the job done
(you're done)
Every line is plotted and designed
To leave you standing
On your bedroom window's ledge
And everyone else that it hits
That it gets to
Is nothing more than collateral damage

Take your taste back
Peel back your skin
And try to forget how it feels inside
You should try saying no once in a while
Oh once in a while[x2]

Right Back Where We Started From

Honestly what will become of me
Don't like reality
It's way too clear to me
But really life is daily
We are what we don't see
Missed everything daydreaming

Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end?
Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end?
Come to an end, come to an
Why do all good things come to end?
Come to an end, come to an
Why do all good things come to an end?

Traveling I only stop at exits
Wondering if I'll stay
Young and restless
Living this way I stress less
I want to pull away when the dream dies
The pain sets it and I don't cry
I only feel gravity and I wonder why

Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end?
Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end?
Come to an end, come to an
Why do all good things come to end?
Come to an end, come to an
Why do all good things come to an end?

Well the dogs were whistling a new tune
Barking at the new moon
Hoping it would come soon so that they could
Dogs were whistling a new tune
Barking at the new moon
Hoping it would come soon so that they could
Die die die die die

Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end?
Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end?
Come to an end, come to an
Why do all good things come to end?
Come to an end, come to an
Why do all good things come to an end?

Well the dogs were barking at a new moon
Whistling a new tune
Hoping it would come soon
And the sun was wondering if it should stay away for a day 'til the feeling went away
And the sky was falling and the clouds were dropping
And the rain forgot how to bring salvation

The dogs were barking at the new moon
Whistling a new tune
Hoping it would come soon so that they could die

I love this song :]

What Everyone's Talking About

I am such an idiot sometimes
I always get caught in the same traps

So now that I know for sure that I don't like that older guy, I can freely talk about that weird encounter I had at the gym the other day.

I was talking to my friend about a woman I worked with this summer [really nice lady] because I had seen someone with a similar car driving ...well...let's just say the person was not a really good driver. I mention that the woman's son once sort of crashed the car [not that much damage, but still, worth mentioning].

We get to the gym, and he's there.
Freaked me out :].

Anywho, today I had to come back home from school cause I was sick. I spent my afternoon doing nothing, then sleeping.

I watched "Stranger than Fiction". It was surprisingly good [not in the way that I didn't think it was going to be good, but in the way that I thought it was going to be more of a comedy than it really was].

I'm now gonna go hit my head on something to get stuff out of my mind :]

I'm an idiooooooootttttttttttttttt, gahhd, lmao.
Laters

Between Us (What Goes Around...)

I should've stayed home yesterday. I knew I was sick, I should have stayed home. Now my throat is sore. My whole body aches. And my knees hurt like a bitch.

And the bus ride coming back from it brought back unwelcomed memories of the time we Grade 10-11-12s were in the tiny bus going to that other activity thing. We were maybe 12 in that bus, and we had fun. I didn't know I would start thinking about it again and that it'd almost make me sick to my stomach. That, and you-know-who bragging about that girl he "didn't go out with but screwed around with" who ended up on the same volleyball team as yours truly. We didn't talk or anything. She does not have the tiniest idea who I am, and I really want it to stay that way. Don't need any drama now that everything is going well again. I don't like anyone, and from what I know, no one likes me. Everything is good family-wise. My mom just got back form Texas yesterday. And school is good too.

I'm crossing my fingers, hoping it'll stay like this for a bit.

In other news, I'm starting to wonder what I'm gonna wear to grad [even though it's, like, 4 months away :P]. Hahaha, I love planning these things.

How I wish I had a steam shower, Haha.

I'm gonna go play with my makeup now :)
Byebye

Let's Get Gone

Beyond the common grind;
The 9 to 5 the dead end jobs we try,
We try to hide.
We struggle through the means;
To meet the ends.
Please tell me that this life isn't permanent.

Cause we don't care enough.
(We don't care enough)
So don't hold it off.
You're what gets me off;
Gets me through long and sober days.

You don't deserve to be unnoticed.
You don't deserve to be treated like that.
(We've gone to far to be unnoticed)

Days and weeks go by,
And seasons change.
The scenery gets old;
It stays the same.
Theres nothing in this town;
But you and I.
So baby pack your bags cause we leave tonight.

Cause we don't care enough.
(We don't care enough)
So don't hold it off.
You're what gets me off;
Gets me through long and sober days.

You don't deserve to be unnoticed.
You don't deserve to be treated like that.
We've gone to far to be unnoticed.
So lets get gone.

You don't deserve to be unnoticed.
You don't deserve to be treated like that.
We've gone to far to be unnoticed.
So lets get gone.

So we've spent our nights awake;
Passed every small town along the way.
Here's to bad times;
They were the best times.
Give up the good times,
And we'll survive.

You don't deserve to be unnoticed.
You don't deserve to be treated like that.
We've gone to far to be unnoticed.
So lets get gone

***********

I woke up this morning and did the usual. Then went outside to wait for the bus and to my surprise, it was sunny. Sunny and snowing. I have to say, it was just beautiful. It was perfect.

Then I got on the bus. 28 minutes later, we were stuck and my toes were ice. But I was still happy. I'm just too happy.

God, I don't think I've ever loved a day of my life more than I loved this one. Everything seems to have fallen into place. I talk to whoever I want. No shyness. And today, new development, actually sort of talked to my ex. It wasn't awkward or anything. I'm glad. I don't want to be the girl who hates and is hated by all her exes. As long as things are somewhat ...civilized...then I am good.

I♥days like these.

Gahd...I was invited to grad, too. :] I'm happy. Really happy to be going. Cause I love them. I was wondering if they would actually invite us. They're not inviting all the grade 11s, but I am. And Jojo too.

Makes me wonder who I'm gonna want to invite to my grad. I already have people in mind...but who will I invite. The people I never talk to, well, as much as I still like them, they probably won't be invited. I'm not even sure we'll invite anyone who's not in grade 12 ... This is going to cause conflict, I swear. I'd invite anyone and everyone I like and who wants to go. But that would be lots of people. Hmmmmmm. Well I still have a year to think it over :]. I can't believe I'm graduating next year. It's so weird...Even weirder than this year's Gr12 graduating. I'm gonna miss them so much, sigh. Just won't be the same without them...

They are the only bit of awesomeness left to this school. All the other cool people have already left the building :].

:}

Well. I'm gonna go do something.

-Laters

Better Off As...

It's all a game of this or that
Now verses then
Better off
Against worse for wear
And you're someone
Who knows someone who knows someone
I once knew
And I just want to be a part of this

The road outside my house
Is paved with good intentions
Hired a construction crew
Cuz it's hell on the engine
You are the dreamer
And we are the dream
I could write it better than you ever felt it

So hum hallelujah
Just off the key of reason
I thought I loved you
It was just how you looked in the light
A teenage vow in a parking lot
Til tonight do us part
I sing the blues
And swallow them too

My words are my faith
To hell with our good name
A remix up your guts
Your insides x-rayed
And one day we'll get nostalgic for disaster
We're a bull
Your ears are just a china shop

I love you in the same way
There's a chapel in a hospital
One foot in your bedroom
And one foot out the door
Sometimes we take chances
Sometimes we take pills
I could write it better than you ever felt it

So hum hallelujah
Just off the key of reason
I thought I loved you
It was just how you looked in the light
A teenage vow in a parking lot
Til tonight do us part
I sing the blues
And swallow them too

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hum Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hum Hallelujah
Hallelujah

A teenage vow in a parking lot
Til tonight do us part
I sing the blues
And swallow them too

So hum hallelujah
Just off the key of reason
I thought I loved you
It was just how you looked in the light
A teenage vow in a parking lot
Til tonight do us part
A teenage vow in a parking lot
Til tonight do us part
I sing the blues
And swallow them too

Another Brick In The Wall

TO DO LIST FOR 2007:
- Get more of that "self-esteem" everyone's always talking about
- Get over fear of rejection, too irrational for me
- Smile more often, frowning is just not "in"
- Stop attracting attention to myself, cause it's stupid
- Stop trying to be invisible, cause that's stupid too
- Spend less time on computer, even though I love MSN so much
- Spend more time getting to know people, cause it's fun
- Stop getting involved in too many things at the same time, like I am right now
- Try to spend at least 3 consecutive months not pining for a guy, Haha:P
- Accept compliments, even if I don't like them
- Accept critiques, even if I'm able to do that by myself
- Focus more on school work, and stop procrastinating
- Stop being so possessive of my stuff, even though it IS mine
- Be happy, if I'm not, I won't be able to achieve goals 3&4&5
- Stop being so melodramatic, it's not the end of the world
- Stay awesome :P, cause I am.
- Take things on a lighter note, not everything is life/death.


AYA!

Gahd, sometimes I wish I could start over with a clean slate, Haha. But I won't get to do that :P.

- Laters

Rollercoasters Are No Fun

Um...nevermind. Forget that last post.

Why is it that everytime I'm sad or angry and I write an entry to make me feel better, I always end up feeling horrible for posting it....?

Anywho,

Toodles!

Sorrow Is Just All The Rage

Is it that I can't take compliments or that I just don't want to hear a bunch of lies? Who knows really.

Content with the fact that I'll never be good enough for anything except being asked the same question eight hundred times in a row, deep down. It was meant to be that way.

How could anyone say there's nothing wrong with me when there so evidently is. I might never get the chance to win at this. I'll never have a heart for those who deserve it and always for the ones who don't. Is it by any chance that I care about too many people, or that I expect blindly believe that people feel the same for me? Out of the many people I know, not one could fade away without me noticing it. Any heart stops beating, it breaks mine. Any heart gets broken, it hurts mine. How is it then that when it happens to me, mine is the only one to be torn to pieces.

I think I just don't like the lies. It's completely dishonest to tell a girl she's beautiful when you don't mean it, when you know it's not true and when you know she's also aware of that fact. As it's not okay to tell a girl you love her if you don't feel that way. Why pretend you care when you don't? That's what really confuses me. Why would anyone pretend to love someone, pretend to care, pretend pretend and pretend more? Why would anyone make themselves unhappy by lying to someone and staying with them when they don't care about them? Why would someone stay with a person he or she doesn't love, like, care about at all when they could be with someone else? Someone they actually like. Why, when they *know* they've got some other person waiting for them [on the side]? Is it just for the fun of seeing that person's face when they realise that it was a lie? That everything that was said was a lie...

I always put myself in lose-lose situations. Last time, was going out with this guy. Now here's the lose-lose situation --> Either it doesn't last and I get hurt [OR] It lasts, I have to move, long-distance relationships don't work so it ends, and I get hurt. There is no way to win this game. I've just entered another one of those zones. The "about-this-close-\-\-to-getting-hurt" zone. I *think* [I've been doubting myself ever since that last lose-lose situation...Not sure how I feel about anyone anymore :)] I like this guy, older than me [:)] to whom I just recently started really talking. And he...probably likes another girl. The sad part about it is that I understand why someone'd want to pick her over me. She's thin. She's pretty. Easygoing and funny at times. I'm not. The only thing I ever had going for me was the smart thing. Unfortunately, I'm 17, and no one gives [a shit] if you're smart when you're 17.

Which brings me to my point. There's gotta be something wrong with the person I am. The boyfriend I was going to break up with because he was [supposedly] talking about me behind my back [I believe it, but I'll never really know if it really happened or not] dumped me for apparently no reason. Turned out it was for another girl. And because he never even liked me. Every single guy I've ever had feelings for hasn't liked me back [including the boyfriend aforementioned---> Funny, it doesn't *feel* like he was ever my boyfriend]. This guy I used to like, who I considered my friend, basically hates me. Or he just doesn't care, which is worse. People in my class say he's really nice nowadays. He's nice to them at least, which is funny. He's being nice to all the people who talked about him behind his back. I didn't. But he doesn't talk to me. It's............sad, really.

Obviously, there's some flaw I'm not seeing. Other than the ones I've just figured out I have.

It was all a lie. All of it. *ALL* of it, for God's sake. I don't get screwed over often, but when I do, it's monumental. I don't fail often, but when I do, it's a BIG mistake. Giant failure. I am so blind, I believed everyone cared about me, I believed that many people loved me. I didn't know I was wrong back then.

It's ironic how 3 months ago I was so happy with the way I was. The way I carried myself and the way I looked. And now, 3 months later, i's all gone. Nothing left there. My confidence is gone, and I'm back to that girl I was in grade 7. The one who felt the need to protect herself from everyone all the time. I never wanted to become her again. I wanted her to die. She did. Only takes a shattered mirror, salt water and numbers, mix it all up together and she comes back to life.

How sad.
How pathetic.
How stupid.

Émerveillée par ma propre stupidité, c'est une première.

Let Them Eat Cake

For the love of God, I cannot believe I sat through the entire thing. The whoooole movie.

I had my doubts about Sofia Coppola's Marie Antoinette, because I couldn't believe that a movie full of american actors about the queen of France could be any good. To be honest, it is visually amazing. Breathtaking really. But also incredibly shallow.

I was hoping, when I decided to watch the damned thing, to be shown some sort of other side to Marie Antoinette's life. Maybe Sofia Coppola had truly understood the woman and made a movie about who she was, about her life, you know.

And what do I get? Some self-indulgent, deep as a kiddie pool, neon cake, dresses and shoes, champagne and blue converse piece of ...BAH. No wonder the French booed her.

Gahddddd, if you're gonna make a movie about Marie-Antoinette, at least do it RIGHT. It's called historical accuracy. And for Pete's sake, don't tell the whole effing planet that you made a movie about a person who existed according to your perspective of her! Don't say you're making a movie about a person who actually lived and then completely ignore some of the most wel-known facts about that person. And then make a whole nation look like the bad guys.

SIGH.

Anywho. This has been the weirdest weekend ever. It's like I've had three Sundays in a row.

I got to watch Hollywoodland though, and then The Jacket.........Adrien Brody ^-^.

Well.....Ciao!

Watch You Work The Room

You know what? It would have been 2 months today, and I didn't even realise it until someone mentioned the date it was gonna be tomorrow. And the funniest part is: I don't even mind. I don't care :D.

This has been a good day just because of this. I spent the rest of it doing french homework {14 pages long} and bio.

Well...gotta get back to that french homework. Not done yet.

Buh-Bye

Too Much Green To Feel Blue

This is my new favourite song. Favourite parts underlined as usual.

I'm gonna make you bend and break
(It sends you to me without wait)
Say a prayer but let the good times roll
In case God doesn't show
(Let the good times roll, let the good times roll)
And I want these words to make things right
But it's the wrongs that make the words come to life
"Who does he think he is?"
If that's the worst you got
Better put your fingers back to the keys

One night and one more time
Thanks for the memories even though they weren't so great
"He tastes like you only sweeter"
One night, yeah, and one more time
Thanks for the memories, thanks for the memories
"He, he tastes like you only sweeter"

Been looking forward to the future
But my eyesight is going bad
And this crystal ball
It's always cloudy except for
When you look into the past
(look into the past)
One night stand
(one night stand off)

One night and one more time
Thanks for the memories even though they weren't so great
"He tastes like you only sweeter"
One night, yeah, and one more time
Thanks for the memories, thanks for the memories
"He, he tastes like you only sweeter"

They say I only think in the form of crunching numbers
In hotel rooms collecting page six lovers
Get me out of my mind and get you out of those clothes
I'm a liner away from getting you into the mood, whoa

One night and one more time
Thanks for the memories even though they weren't so great
"He tastes like you only sweeter"
One night, yeah, and one more time
Thanks for the memories, thanks for the memories
"See, he tastes like you only sweeter"

One night and one more time
(One more night, one more time)
Thanks for the memories even though they weren't so great
"He tastes like you only sweeter"
One night, yeah, and one more time
(One more night, one more time)
Thanks for the memories, thanks for the memories
"See, he tastes like you only sweeter"

****

What would my life be like without Fall Out Boy? :P
I don't know.

Well I'm gonna go do something.
- Laters

You're Just Living A Lie, Honey

Oooooh Valentine's Day is just getting closer and closer. Now, I'm not celebrating it, but it's still the first Holiday of the year worthy of Hallmark cards.

Prepare for the onslaught of new couples, lovebirds, exes shooting death glares at each other, bitter teens looking for love, etc etc etc.

I'm not part of any of the above. Not planning on getting myself a new someone anytime soon [and no, not planning on shooting death glares either].

I want life to go back to normal. The kind of normal where breathing in is easy to do, and where I can get some sleep at night [not toss and turn because I am stressed because I can't stop my train of thought before I go to sleep and because ...well...I stress about everything].

In any case, today Infinity On High came out. And I wasn't able to buy it because of a reunion. Gahd.

And...now's my time to go to bed. [It's 20:51 now].

- Laters.

You Don't Have Squirrelly Wrath

I Will Kill You All
Nothing You Can Do About It
I Will Kill You All
Nothing You Can Do About It

Squirrelly Wrath
Squirrelly Wrath
Squirrelly Wrath

You're All Gonna Die
You're All Gonna Die

Squirrelly Wrath
Squirrelly Wrath

***********

I'm The Lord And Master
You All Are Bastards
Worship Me
Or I'll Stab Your Eyes Till You Bleed
I'm The Lord And Master

***********
I love Foamy the Squirrell. I had completely forgotten about him. *Sigh* Foamy Rocks.

[Just ICYDK, I am not planning on killing anyone].

- Laters

P.S. --> www.illwillpress.com

The Wings That You Burn

Okay, so I had this horrible day and night yesterday. And it made me think about how much I let people get to me in general. I've therefore decided that my opinion is the only one that counts and that I can do whatever the hell I please and say whataver I want [although I would never consider saying anything mean about anyone ever again, so I'm stopping that for good, sick of everyone as I may be].

I've also changed my mind about hugs and contact with other human beings. And I realised that in all truth, the only person I am mad at in this story is me. And I can live with that. It happens to me often, being mad at me.

Anywho, out with the old [Also Know As Drama] and in with the new [Also Known As Having a Good Time and Not Worrying About Anything]. Let's change the topic of my rant right *now*.

Lately I've found that I want to be around people so much more than I used to. I guess that's another good thing that came out of the disaster that is my love life. I want to be around my friends, I want to be around my family. I like talking to people and getting to know them, or having intelligent discussions.

It's like whatever was blocking that off is gone. I love it. I will talk to anyone about anything. Much easier to trust people and to let them in knowing that if they betray me or hurt me or disappear out of my life, it's not actually gonna hurt half as much as I was expecting it to. And it's not the end of the world, really. Life doesn't wait for you to get better, it doesn't wait for you to get up.

Anyways, this was very random...and confusing. Nothing I wrote in this blog today actually makes sense in my head.

I'll go do something now.

- Buh-Bye!

P.S. --> Green Clay Mask again. I look like a zombie :P.

Edit: I miss the way things used to be before. How we were able to talk. You know, no strings, nothing. We were almost friends for a second there. I miss that. I miss talking about anything and not having that matter. It was all just trivial back then, we could do anything and everything. Talk about anything, and it never affected us. *sigh* I wish we could go back to that. I wish we could *all* go back to that.